Various Storms and Saints

Last week I shared about what a hard time I was going through (thank you for all your support).

This week I had a bit of a breakthrough, while listening to this song--so again, you can listen while you read (sorry for the live version--couldn't find an album version on youtube)

It's one of those songs I've heard many times but hadn't really listened to until now. The line that caught my attention was:

Don't make the mountain your enemy; get out, get up there instead.

I'm not usually the kind of person to shy away from a challenge, but for nearly a year this one has beaten me down and I realize now that I was making the mountain my enemy. Not only is that not helpful, but it's not my style. I love my mountains. I love the challenge. I love achieving the summit, and the views, and the healing, and the adventure.

Also, I wasn't completely honest with you last week. I had at least three partials over five days (possibly more if they were happening while I was sleeping). That is why I was SO discouraged. I was keeping that to myself because I wasn't sure whether I was going to tell the doctor about it, but I've decided that I need to be honest. 

People just untie themselves, uncurling like flowers

So here I am:

• I accept that I have a chronic health condition that can be managed, but not cured
• I accept that I will be on medications for awhile, potentially forever
• I accept that those medications will fuck with my head sometimes, will make me depressed sometimes, will make me tired sometimes
• I accept that in those days or weeks when I am tired and sad, I can give myself a break and have some downtime
• I accept that I can't go 100% all the time
• I accept that I can't drive for awhile (ever?)
• I accept that not everyone in my life will understand
• I will love my body and brain
• I will focus on the things I can control
• One step at a time, I will summit this mountain. And I'll build my business. And I'll build my life, whatever it takes.

This week's gratitudes to go Lianne and Andy, for getting out on the trails with me. :)

Straight Lines

This morning on the bus to the office I listened to this song on repeat--so you can listen while you read my post: 

I won't lie, it's been a rough week. Rough month, but mostly rough week. I posted before that I was in a bit of a funk, but this week it took a turn toward full-on depression. Brain fog. Exhaustion. Low energy. Anxiety. Many tears.

This happened before, shortly after I started on the Levetiracetam. It lasted a few days and then passed. This time I'm not even sure if it's the med or if it's just life in general. Probably both.

Today feels a bit better but we'll see what happens.

Part of the problem is that I've been feeling as though my episodes are coming back (or at least trying to). It's mostly been when I'm sleeping. I've been dreaming about having them, and then it wakes me up and I feel like I've had one. But I don't know if I actually did or if I just dreamed it. Then headache and general feelings of crappiness follow.

Last night instead of dreaming about seizures I dreamed that I was driving in my car but I had no control over the car and crashed through forests and then into water. Then woke up.

General theme of my life right now... no control. I said to someone in a text the other day that I feel as though every area of my life sucks right now, so I put everything I can into my business because that's the one thing I can at least partially control. 

In any case, it's always the people around me propping me up, so I am going to start naming names in these blog posts. Hopefully over time everyone who has supported will get a shout out (but if I miss you please blame the meds and the brain fog!). This week's gratitudes are for:

- Danielle, for letting me cry to you on the phone and telling me to call sooner next time
- Graeme, for making me laugh and distracting me with interesting discussion (let's avoid the nihilism next time though!)
- Claudie, for giving me permission to lose it the next time someone tells me I "look good" or "everything is going so well"
- Lisa, for telling me I'm strong when it's the last thing I feel

I love you guys; thank you. "If you keep talking, then I'll keep walking in straight lines."

Six weeks and counting

Yesterday marked six weeks of no episodes, not even little ones. This is my longest stretch now since this started and it gives me hope that the meds are working.

But I'm not out of the woods. There is always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that it could start back up again at any time. Anyone who hasn't been through this might consider that negativity, but in fact it's simply realistic. I've read about and heard from so many people whose meds worked for awhile... months, even years, and then randomly stopped working one day. So there is never an end point, only management and hoping for the best.

Also I've been in a bit of a funk for the past couple of weeks. I don't know if it's because of my meds or if it's the other stuff going on in my life, but I've been feeling sad basically every day for the past two weeks. And that makes me tired. And that makes me just want to curl up on the couch and watch netflix... not good for running my business.

Still spending 4+ hours/day on transit (huge thanks to those of you who have given and/or offered rides!). Yesterday I decided to work at home. Didn't get much work done because I was too tired and sad, but it was a success to avoid setting foot on transit for one day.

I apologize for a bit of a downer post. I am definitely happy to see the six-week mark pass, and hopeful that I will be able to drive again soon.