One year ago today, I had my first four partial seizures.
Of course, I didn't know at the time that that's what was happening, but it has changed my life.
In that year, I've had blood work done 9 times. Three trips to the ER (one in an ambulance). Two generalized seizures. Two different medications. CT, MRI, EEG, ECG.
Stopped driving, stopped alcohol, stopped coffee.
Stress... oh the stress. Never knowing when my symptoms will return or how bad they will be this time. Will I end up in the hospital again? Will I ever get it controlled enough to be able to drive again? How many meds will I have to try before I get it managed? (If ever?) How do I build my business when some days I can hardly function? Am I having seizures in my sleep? Not sure but sometimes I wake up feeling like I did.
And then the emotional and physical toll. I hardly remember anything that happened in the weeks just before and just after my generalized seizures. It's like my brain was in a fog for that whole month; there were entire conversations and meetings that I don't remember having. Exhaustion. Depression. Reduced ability to cope with the stupid little everyday things that shouldn't bother me. I've cried three times this week over things that shouldn't be making me cry. Why? Because my meds were increased again last week and that makes me emotional and tired.
And through all of that, the support of all of you has been what has kept me going (my own stubbornness helps too....).
This morning I was planning to name all of the people who have supported and helped me in the past year, but the list is so long and I'm afraid of missing people. Suffice it to say that I do not take it for granted and I'm incredibly grateful for all of you. I've learned who my true friends are. :)
But I will continue naming the most current/recent gratitudes:
- Roberto - for being a constant breath of fresh air, always making me smile
- Cory - for telling me I'm tough; and when I argued that, for saying "you don't see you" (this also made me cry, but I couldn't tell you that at the time)
- Danielle - for your companionship and endless hugs
- Graeme and Fritz - for giving me a safe space and laughs and for encouraging (at least tolerating) my requests for things like "orange juice that looks like a screwdriver" ;)
- my SamSam for his love, loyalty, and doggy cuddles
Onward!
