The Stress Test

Last week I read a book called The Stress Test, by Ian Robertson. It is about the physical effects of stress on the brain and was quite fascinating. It talked about why stress seems to break some people but strengthen others, and went into the neurological reasons for how stress can strengthen us and even make us smarter. Throughout the book I found myself feeling inspired and actually felt my own stress levels decreasing as I read. It was as if the past two years of the chronic stress I’ve been under suddenly have a purpose and I can see it as something good instead of something destructive. It might sound strange to put it that way, but it’s helpful to me and that’s what matters. It was almost funny, because I could feel my body physically relaxing as I was reading this book about stress, and feel my stress level decreasing because I was so inspired by it. All of this that I’ve been going through can make me stronger, smarter, more resilient in the long run. Just have to keep going. 

It's been awhile since I've given gratitude shout outs, so this week they're going to:

• Laura, who took me to Superstore after my recent meltdown over not being able to get groceries (seriously, you were the best thing that happened to me that week!)
• Everyone else who offered support in the wake of that meltdown--there were a lot of you, so thank you!
• my mom, who I have mentioned before but deserves another mention because she has consistently been my best supporter over the past two years!
• my mastermind group, which I don't think I've mentioned here before; we meet weekly to work on business and life, and it has been a consistent help and encouragement as I try to balance growing my business and managing my health and somehow holding it all together (they even tolerate me crying once in awhile!). That's my tribe! 

Mad at the World

I haven't updated in awhile and I guess that's a good thing because it means nothing is really happening.

I haven't had any partials since June and I'm only 5.5 weeks away from being officially allowed to drive again.

When people ask me how I'm doing, my default answer is that it depends on the day and I think the worst is over. My meds seem to be working. Overall I'm better than I was back in Jan/Feb/Mar. The last med change seems to have done the trick.

My main focus right now is getting my business (read: income) back on track because it went completely off the rails when I went off the rails in the fall/winter/spring.

Getting my business and income back on track, however, has been an utterly exhausting task. When you lose all your momentum, it's incredibly difficult to get that back, especially when you're not feeling 100%. I go from work to bed with not much else--very little social, very little running, few days off. I'm feeling pretty burned out most of the time, but plugging on, because what else can I do?

Case in point: I have no food in my house. Why? Because I wasn't getting paid for awhile. But this week I got paid, so I should go get some groceries. But when? And how? I can't drive my car. I could take the bus. Not only is lugging groceries on the bus a giant pain and time consuming, but just the thought of it when I'm already exhausted, mentally and physically, caused me to cry for twenty minutes last night. I literally sat in front of my computer crying because I had no food and couldn't bear the thought of going out on the bus to get some. I could walk to the store down the street but then I'm stuck with what I can fit in my backpack, which is what I pretty much do on a weekly basis. Still exhausting. I could ask a friend to drive me, and even that frustrates me, and I come back to being angry. Remember the days when I was healthy and could do whatever I wanted? Oh right, those days are gone. So last night I ate leftover pizza and watched netflix and went to bed with an empty fridge again. This morning I walked over to the store down the street and filled my backpack and my fridge is still empty and I'm still angry.

5.5 more weeks until I can drive again. Hopefully this time it lasts longer than 10 days.

Also, I'm going to ask my doctor to reduce the Levetiracetam and increase the Topiramate. Even though I've been feeling better overall, my mood is still affected (obvious, if you've read this blog post). I assume he'll be ok with that. My next appointment isn't until September though.