Relentless Forward Motion

It's now been 9 days since my hospital visit. During that time I haven't had any more generalized seizures, though I did have a couple of partials and some mild passing activity.

For the first few days I felt mentally foggy, tired, sad. Not sure how much of that was physical and how much was psychological. Given that my meds have been increasing over the past couple of weeks, it's probably a bit of both. I didn't start feeling "normal" energy again until Wednesday.

Frustration:

• I phoned my neuro's office twice this week, asking if they got the report from the hospital and whether I need to do/change anything. The neuro has not called me back yet, which is incredibly frustrating. The receptionist said he's just been too busy. Clearly he doesn't think that there's any urgency in it, even though I went from partial to generalized, and that's what the meds were supposed to be preventing. Giant change for me, apparently no urgency to him. 
• I can't drive. Wednesday I spent over four hours on public transit.
• I can't run (physio's orders, until my hip issues improve).
• Certain people in my life who I would have counted on for support have failed me, overtly. I have a hard time asking for help, and when I did ask for support one refused it. Another has  ignored the whole issue completely. 

Gratitude:

• Everyone else has been awesome. So much love and support. People have driven me around. People have sent me messages to check in and ask if I need anything. People have spent time with me (which, given how lonely and sad I've been feeling in the past week, is crucial). On Thursday I returned home to find a gift bag at my door, full of chocolate, wine, and flowers.  And my office gave me orchids. I've never had this much social support in my life, and I'm so grateful for all of you. 

Hope:

• I'm going to try the CBD oil. When I saw the neuro a couple of weeks ago I agreed with him not to try that yet until I give the meds a chance, but that has changed now. The meds aren't doing their job, and I'm not ok with just waiting around for the months or years it will take to (maybe) find the right med/dosage. The generalized seizures were a tipping point for me. I'm not wasting any more time and I'm taking matters into my own hands. If the CBD will help, it's worth trying. So tomorrow I'm going to go buy some and see what happens. A specific oil and dispensary have been recommended to me so I will start there. 
• The ICBC website indicates I might be able to drive in 3 months, if I can prevent more generalized seizures from happening. Technically nothing is official yet anyway; my licence is still valid until the neuro tells ICBC to suspend it. But I don't feel safe driving until I'm sure that it's not going to keep happening, so I figure 3 months is a good guideline. 

I cried three times while writing this blog post. I'm discouraged and tired and sad and I just want to be healthy again. But I know what I'm made of, and the old ultra runner's mantra applies: Relentless forward motion.