Mad at the World

I haven't updated in awhile and I guess that's a good thing because it means nothing is really happening.

I haven't had any partials since June and I'm only 5.5 weeks away from being officially allowed to drive again.

When people ask me how I'm doing, my default answer is that it depends on the day and I think the worst is over. My meds seem to be working. Overall I'm better than I was back in Jan/Feb/Mar. The last med change seems to have done the trick.

My main focus right now is getting my business (read: income) back on track because it went completely off the rails when I went off the rails in the fall/winter/spring.

Getting my business and income back on track, however, has been an utterly exhausting task. When you lose all your momentum, it's incredibly difficult to get that back, especially when you're not feeling 100%. I go from work to bed with not much else--very little social, very little running, few days off. I'm feeling pretty burned out most of the time, but plugging on, because what else can I do?

Case in point: I have no food in my house. Why? Because I wasn't getting paid for awhile. But this week I got paid, so I should go get some groceries. But when? And how? I can't drive my car. I could take the bus. Not only is lugging groceries on the bus a giant pain and time consuming, but just the thought of it when I'm already exhausted, mentally and physically, caused me to cry for twenty minutes last night. I literally sat in front of my computer crying because I had no food and couldn't bear the thought of going out on the bus to get some. I could walk to the store down the street but then I'm stuck with what I can fit in my backpack, which is what I pretty much do on a weekly basis. Still exhausting. I could ask a friend to drive me, and even that frustrates me, and I come back to being angry. Remember the days when I was healthy and could do whatever I wanted? Oh right, those days are gone. So last night I ate leftover pizza and watched netflix and went to bed with an empty fridge again. This morning I walked over to the store down the street and filled my backpack and my fridge is still empty and I'm still angry.

5.5 more weeks until I can drive again. Hopefully this time it lasts longer than 10 days.

Also, I'm going to ask my doctor to reduce the Levetiracetam and increase the Topiramate. Even though I've been feeling better overall, my mood is still affected (obvious, if you've read this blog post). I assume he'll be ok with that. My next appointment isn't until September though.