All these strands of love

I was writing someone an email, trying to describe and explain how this journey has been, and now I feel the need to share with y'all what I said about you:

The past two (and a bit) years have been the hardest of my life.

I don't believe in a sentient universe, but if I did I would be asking it what the hell I've done to deserve how shitty the last two years have been. My illness, the doctors, tests, hospitals, meds, seizures, feeling shitty ALL the time, exhausted ALL the time, sad ALL the time. and scared.... so afraid.  Never knowing if or when things will get better, if or when I might have a seizure today or in public or at work (again). What it might do to my life over the long term. Not being able to drive. Not being able to work. Not being able to fucking buy groceries. My income dropping off to virtually zero, for months. Getting suicidal (repeatedly). Spending days/weeks in bed, crying. And The Flood, and being displaced, and having to move (twice), and my rent going up right when my income was dropping off and I wasn't working and wasn't driving. More hospital visits, more ambulances, more tests, more meds. I'm the crazy girl crying on public transit and then fixing her make-up in the bathroom at work, trying to hold things together. Then I go from not working to working seven days/week just to get my income back on track, and spinning my wheels because my business is stagnating, and stressing every. fucking. month. about how I'm going to pay my rent. (and this week my car broke down and I can't afford to fix it... so I'm back to transit...)

And in all of that, there are only two things keeping me from going completely off the rails:

- my own inner strength, which is currently at an all time low

- my friends and family. I've lost some in the process. Some of them have blatantly abandoned me. But the rest have been amazing. They have gone with me to the hospital and in the ambulance. They have driven me to the grocery store. They have come when I asked for company. They have had me over for dinner. They have gone with me to the forest. They have comforted me when I'm sad. They've taken me for coffee, and given me business advice. They have helped me financially. They have inspired me. They have followed my blog and given me so much support and walked with me for the past two years and told me that I'm strong and that I can do this. Right now, at this time, it's mostly one-sided. I have nothing to give them right now. I need them to hold me up, and they are doing it, and I'm so incredibly grateful to them. This is all new to me. Before this I was always so independent and strong; I never needed anyone else (I thought). I always took care of myself. I have had to learn how to ask for help, and how to accept it when offered. I've had to learn how to be vulnerable, and my community has wrapped me up and held me together with all of these strands of love. 

Thank you.