Straight Lines

This morning on the bus to the office I listened to this song on repeat--so you can listen while you read my post: 

I won't lie, it's been a rough week. Rough month, but mostly rough week. I posted before that I was in a bit of a funk, but this week it took a turn toward full-on depression. Brain fog. Exhaustion. Low energy. Anxiety. Many tears.

This happened before, shortly after I started on the Levetiracetam. It lasted a few days and then passed. This time I'm not even sure if it's the med or if it's just life in general. Probably both.

Today feels a bit better but we'll see what happens.

Part of the problem is that I've been feeling as though my episodes are coming back (or at least trying to). It's mostly been when I'm sleeping. I've been dreaming about having them, and then it wakes me up and I feel like I've had one. But I don't know if I actually did or if I just dreamed it. Then headache and general feelings of crappiness follow.

Last night instead of dreaming about seizures I dreamed that I was driving in my car but I had no control over the car and crashed through forests and then into water. Then woke up.

General theme of my life right now... no control. I said to someone in a text the other day that I feel as though every area of my life sucks right now, so I put everything I can into my business because that's the one thing I can at least partially control. 

In any case, it's always the people around me propping me up, so I am going to start naming names in these blog posts. Hopefully over time everyone who has supported will get a shout out (but if I miss you please blame the meds and the brain fog!). This week's gratitudes are for:

- Danielle, for letting me cry to you on the phone and telling me to call sooner next time
- Graeme, for making me laugh and distracting me with interesting discussion (let's avoid the nihilism next time though!)
- Claudie, for giving me permission to lose it the next time someone tells me I "look good" or "everything is going so well"
- Lisa, for telling me I'm strong when it's the last thing I feel

I love you guys; thank you. "If you keep talking, then I'll keep walking in straight lines."