This week I had a bit of a breakthrough, while listening to this song--so again, you can listen while you read (sorry for the live version--couldn't find an album version on youtube)
It's one of those songs I've heard many times but hadn't really listened to until now. The line that caught my attention was:
Don't make the mountain your enemy; get out, get up there instead.
I'm not usually the kind of person to shy away from a challenge, but for nearly a year this one has beaten me down and I realize now that I was making the mountain my enemy. Not only is that not helpful, but it's not my style. I love my mountains. I love the challenge. I love achieving the summit, and the views, and the healing, and the adventure.
Also, I wasn't completely honest with you last week. I had at least three partials over five days (possibly more if they were happening while I was sleeping). That is why I was SO discouraged. I was keeping that to myself because I wasn't sure whether I was going to tell the doctor about it, but I've decided that I need to be honest.
People just untie themselves, uncurling like flowers
So here I am:
- I accept that I have a chronic health condition that can be managed, but not cured
- I accept that I will be on medications for awhile, potentially forever
- I accept that those medications will fuck with my head sometimes, will make me depressed sometimes, will make me tired sometimes
- I accept that in those days or weeks when I am tired and sad, I can give myself a break and have some downtime
- I accept that I can't go 100% all the time
- I accept that I can't drive for awhile (ever?)
- I accept that not everyone in my life will understand
- I will love my body and brain
- I will focus on the things I can control
- One step at a time, I will summit this mountain. And I'll build my business. And I'll build my life, whatever it takes.
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